Wednesday, March 4, 2009

white teeth

as you know, i love shopping. i am fortunate enough to live a mere ten minutes away from the mall of america, and i go there often. most people that live here berate it publicly, pretending that they hate commercialism, and i don't call them on it. more mall of america for me. that place is fantastic. i have a certain routine that i adhere to when i shop there. i always park in the arizona lot, right by nordstrom's. i have found that the high end shops rent near the high end anchors. near nordstrom's is williams-sonoma, abercrombie, puma, j.jill (well okay, it's not a perfect science). near the sears anchor you get glamour shots, lady foot locker, the dollar store, old navy. but no matter where you are, you get the kiosks. gold plated jewelry. viking's bedroom slippers. the guy who will draw you, but uglier than you really are. crocs. high-heeled crocs. perfume vendors and hair straighteners, begging to make eye contact. i like to hurry by these vendors, pretending to be absorbed in my phone although i haven't had an incoming call for at least three days. sorry, perfume guy, too busy for a sample. i feel guilty about it, but not guilty enough. but then. a new kiosk. right outside of nordstrom's, next to the caribou coffee. TEETH WHITENING! i try to avert my eyes, but i am interested. i have always hated my teeth. i have dated (well, slept with) people because of their teeth. celebrities have white teeth. politicians have white teeth. people that other people like have white teeth. i have diet coke guinness smokers teeth. i want people to like me. i don't care if it's just because i have white teeth. good enough. i avoid the teeth whitening kiosk, but i do not forget. i think about the kiosk in the morning when i wake up, i think about it when i am at work and see someone with really nice teeth, i think about it when i watch america's next top model. i think about it a lot. so, last monday, i dropped by the mall. i walked up to the kiosk and asked for some white teeth. there was one girl in a white lab coat working. she had very white teeth, blonde big hair, and long red fingernails. i was smitten. plus she was really really friendly. i knew she liked me right away. in retrospect, it was probably because i had a credit card in my hand, but whatever. i voiced my concern that i was going to look like an idiot just like the somali girl in the chair right next to me, but she assured me that no one ever even looks at us because they all have their own agenda and don't really care. i choose to belive this, and let her fit me with a mouthpiece. let me say at this point that i am a gagger. i have thrown up more times than i can tell you just from brushing my teeth. (this is a testament to being born gay as opposed to choosing it, if i can't handle a toothbrush in my mouth, then god help a penis. i'm just saying.) she squeezes some gel into my mouthpiece, and puts it on my teeth. i gag for a while, in the sexiest way possible, because this girl is really cute. i make a joke, we move on. now my lips are spread up and down as far as possible, i start to feel like jack nicholson in the shining. only 30 more minutes, my new girlfriend tells me with a (bright) smile. the somali girl leaves, and i am the only customer. nicole (that's her name) comes around every few minutes to see how i am doing. i say some hilarious things, like "hey, these magazines are from july, 2008!" and "is it okay if i put my coat over my head?" and (because everything i say sounds like hmphmmhph) "wouldn't it be fun to make out with me?" she says, "doing GREAT! only 20 more minutes!" i take that as a yes. finally, my time is up. the mouthpiece comes out. as i pay my bill, we make some small talk, and i invite nicole to visit me at barbette on some monday night. she replies heartily, "that would be GREAT! my boyfriend and i are always looking for something to do on monday nights!" well, at least my teeth are white.


  1. I love this! Especially the line about you gagging a lot being a testament to being born gay! Love it.
    And I also park in Arizona, but I park there because it's close to Nordstrom's Rack(one of my favorite spots in the mall-second to the Wis. cheese place).

  2. Half way through I unlocked by super locked desk drawer and took out my crest white strips. I wear four strips at a time so they can wrap all the way around my teeth. My tongue is a little numb. White teeth are awesome - did it work? Do you think you will record these blogs so I can listen to them while I'm working? I can't read and move numbers at the same time :(

  3. Hello Dear!!
    Yes I am the infamous teeth whitening girl that you have raved about so well!!! Thankyou for all the wonderful comments! the story is true to the word and yes I still think your smile has not changed a bit since the treatment was done!! let everyone know that there's a crazy teeth whitening chick at the Mall Of America and I do amazing work!!! hee hee.... thanks Tina for the great blog.... I LOVED it!!!!

    Nicole- Manager of Wow SmilExpress

  4. I’ve tried various teeth whitening products for the past 2+ years. The majority of the products are either a hassle to use, don’t give me the results I want, or they hurt my teeth/gums. It’s been mainly whitening toothpaste and whitening strips because I can’t afford (nor does my insurance cover) dentist whitening.
    I’m starting to use a new whitening kit I saw in InStyle Magazine called Pro-White. I think I like it because I’m seeing more upfront results right away. I was somewhat skeptical at first because they guarantee “10 shades whiter in 10 days”, but I can see a noticeable difference. They’ve got various kits available. It costs a little more than whitening strips, but I don’t think it’s overly expensive. I found a $10 off coupon on the internet so that helped ( ).
    I’m just hoping the results are long-term rather than temporary! =)

  5. Interesting blog! Well, I also heard stories like this in our place. My friend told me about his experience in a cosmetic dentist's office last week. The dentist in Collierville area who performed teeth whitening treatment for him is humorous. Not only is he a good dentist, he tried to make his clients smile and feel at ease. Needless to say, the Dentists Collierville are trying their best to make sure that they render the best service to their clients. Thanks for sharing your hilarious post! I had a blast reading it!

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