Sunday, February 15, 2009


so, have you heard about this kid in england who just had a kid at 13 years old? people seem so surprised. personally, i am surprised it hasn't happened sooner. i remember my first boyfriend. he was 13. name of robbie. skinny little redhead with freckles and a chipped front tooth. i think it was the tooth that did it for me. anyway, he was in 7th grade, and i was in 8th. we grew up in a pretty small town, and most of us lived within walking distance from the grade school. i was in the popular group, by accident, i believe, and the ringleader's name was debbie. everyone loved her because she couldn't care less if anyone liked her or not. she also had the good luck to have divorced parents who both worked during the day. that was lucky for all of us, because we grew up in the upper peninsula of michigan where several times a year, the school would close for a snow day. it snowed a lot there. debbie's mom lived in an apartment right across the street from the school and debbie would host little get-togethers at her mom's house on all of the snow days. we'd call all of the boys, eat some doritos, watch a little guiding light, and then we would pair off and go into the bedroom. yep. one bedroom. four or five couples. in the same room. lights off, blinds closed. usually eyes closed as well since that's what you do with your eyes when you are making out, right? that's what just happened on guiding light. we all saw it. after a few snow days, making out started getting boring. and it seemed imperative to move things along. not to me, really, but to robbie. he went up my shirt, poor guy. i was never what you would call a b-cup. well, i kind of am now, but more like a b-minus. but then. along with some curiosity on my part, and some urging on robbie's part, i put my hand into his junior size 12 (i don't actually know the size, but it sounds good in the narrative, i think) bvds, and put my hand around A SHARPIE? wait, no, it was his penis. i hope for his sake that thing is bigger now, but good lord it was small that day. i won't tell the rest of the story, how long we dated, how he broke up with me, how i would put in a cassette tape of air supply and listen to the lyrics of "all out of love" which begin with the words, "i'm lying alone with my head on the phone, thinking of you till it hurts. . ." and then literally take the phone and put my head on it while i listened to the song. you don't need to know any of that. i'm just saying that maybe i am a little surprised that the kid in england fathered a child. he must have had one of those jumbo sharpies, you know, the kind that we used to make posters or banners with before computers and kinkos.


  1. favorite part: that's what just happened on guiding light. we all saw it.