Monday, February 23, 2009

public pooping

here is a subject we just don't hear enough about: pooping in a public place. i have always just assumed that everyone else is as horrified as i am to feel that terrible jolting twist in the stomach when shopping, at a movie, at target, at a restaurant, even at a good friend's house. not so. ever been inside a women's public restroom? enough said. my fear of pooping started very early in life. it was my misfortune to share part of my bedroom wall with our upstairs bathroom. every morning, EVERY MORNING, for my whole life, my father would spend some time in that bathroom. he used to drink over 20 cups of coffee a day, and he had a healthy appetite. let's just say that i did not need an alarm clock. when i was in junior high, my parents went through a wheat germ phase. wheat germ is like prunes, only worse. every single thing we ate had wheat germ sprinkled on it. liberally sprinkled. five people, two bathrooms. not enough. although my father had no qualms about pooping at home, he could not poop anywhere else. on sundays, our whole family would go to church in the morning, and then we would join our extended family at my grandmother's house where she made the most fantastic spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. and garlic bread. god, that was good stuff. but i digress. we would have to take two cars to church, one with my dad in it, and one with my mom and us kids. why? because immediately after lunch at my grandmother's, my dad would drive home and poop. so this public fear took deep root. i would go away to camp as a kid, and would refuse to poop for the whole week. i didn't eat much on thursdays and fridays. when i became an adult, a few things happened. i got a job, and i learned that i liked to have some drinks at night. because i worked in restaurants, working lunches was not that big of a deal, ususally there was a private employee bathroom, and if you timed it right, everything would be okay. until i worked at sapor. this restaurant was (and still is) located in an office building, and you had to go down the hall to use the restroom which served the entire building. not a busy building, so it was usually okay until one day, after drinks the night before, and then a little lunch, i was having an emergency. i was walking down the hall, stiffly, when i met jessica, our chef, on the way. i told her that she was not allowed to go to the bathroom right now because i really, really, needed to poop. she said, too bad, i really have to pee, so what if you have to poop? i told her that i had some shame, and what if it made some noise? she asked me if i would like for her to sing to me while we were in adjacent stalls so that nothing could be heard. i accepted, because clearly, i had no choice. so she sang while i pooped. i don't see her much anymore, but i still love her for that to this day. the reason this subject comes up today, is because my friend told me a personal pooping story that happened to her just the other day. there is a place here called the midtown global market. it's kind of like an open air market, but inside. lots of little shops, and places to eat. on the floor below, there is the dmv and some other random rooms. on this particular day, (let's call her amy) amy was attending a class on the lower floor for first-time home buyers, because she wants to buy a house. the class lasted all day long, and although she didn't tell me this part, i know she likes wine, and i am guessing that she had some the evening before the class. on the lunch break, amy goes upstairs and finds a cute little place called the salty tart. it's owned by a woman who used to make pastries at charlie trotter's in chicago, and amy bought a pastry, and while she was waiting, picked up a beautiful glossy pamphlet about the woman and her shop. she ate her pastry, and was delighted because it was so delicious. but then. the twisting. she ran to the restroom, and gratefully found and open stall. she read the pamphlet. and then she looked for the toilet paper. there was none. then she looked under the stall at the woman's feet next to her, and heard a sound. thump, thump, thump. the woman next to her was also out of toilet paper. so she half pulled up her pants and hobbled like a convict in shackles to the other stalls. nope. then she says to me, "HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO WIPE YOUR ASS WITH A GLOSSY PAMPHLET? " i have not, and this is why i stay at home.


  1. How to Poop at Work
    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY
    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

  2. One was forgoten...........when you think that anything is going to make a sound you pull the toilet paper a loudly as possibe

  3. hilarious! But true buahahahaha!

  4. Oh... And to prevent unwanted splash noises...roll up toliet paper and place in toilet prior to pooping.