Wednesday, February 18, 2009

because you asked me out

first of all, no one has asked me out for quite some time. i'm okay with that, i'm just saying that i am reaching back into the memory banks on this gripe. so. someone asks you out. and you are not attracted to them for whatever reason. it's awkward to say no directly, because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, right? so you make up some story about being in a weird situation, and can't really date right now, blah, lie, blah, lie. so they give you their number anyway and then say, "well, let's just hang out as friends, that would be great!" lie. you know they are thinking that once you get to know them you are going to fall madly in love with them because they are so awesome. i know they think that, because i think that, and i am nothing if not typical, really. but here's the rub: so now i have to be friends with someone that asked me out on a date, and the only reason i have to be friends with them is because i clearly don't like them. that is some messed up logic. (i am aware that i switched from YOU to I, but who cares, i'm not an english major and i'm not writing this to get a grade. i write exactly the way i speak, and if you don't like it, read someone else's blog. wait. i didn't mean, it, don't get mad, i really care about you and would never purposely hurt your feelings. i'm really sorry.) that last part was an excerpt from my last 10 relationships. let me know if it's effective. ANYWAY, i just don't think that because you like me and i don't like you but feel guilty because i don't like you is a good reason to begin a friendship. i don't want to be your friend, random person! i am sure that you are a fantastic human being, but for god's sake, the friends i already have find it difficult to get me to leave my couch. (it's very comfortable, and faces my television directly. and i have hd.) it's not you, it's me. (another line used in my last 10 relationships, either to me or from me. NOT effective.) and another thing: i love it when one of my customers ask me out, and then leave a bad tip. this is before you tell them about your bad (lie) situation, i have found that you should always save that part for after the check is paid. REALLY? you want me to date you and you tip twelve percent? REALLY? i no longer feel guilty for not wanting to be your friend. and just so you know, i touched you pretending that it was accidental, and i leaned over so you could get a better look at my cleavage pretending that it was accidental, and i smiled at you and laughed at your clever drunken witticisms because I NEED TO PAY MY MORTGAGE! because this is my job. my parents are so very proud of me.


  1. I finally understand the basis for our friendship. Tough love.

  2. I am so glad your writing
    and what if your wrong..
    maybe it's just about timing..

  3. I'm glad I could offer up my mom's bedroom as our "Guiding Light" set. Obviously, there were many "takes" and we never got it right!!! that's funny!!!